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Airport Security Gone Wrong

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4th October 2007 | 22:38
mood: silly silly
music: Ian Brown / The World is Yours / 11. Illegal Attacks [ft Sinead O'Connor]

Approaching the queue for the gates today at Frankfurt airport, a security officer dutifully informed me: ‘I'm sorry but you can't take that through security.’ I was a little puzzled as in recent years I've always been careful not to leave any liquids in my hand-luggage. (The fact that security personnel don't have x-ray vision dawned on me a moment later.) …

Ah. The Ice Cream (henceforth known as the “Offending Object”) in my hand. Specifically, a three-scoop mint and pistachio, raspberry swirl and lemon sorbet combo, served in a deliciously crunchy egg-flour-and-sugar cone. Complete disbelief. Since the ideologically correct response of disagreeing with airport authorities essentially means not taking the flight, I decided co-operation was the pragmatic approach. Sadly my offer of placing the Offending Object in a clear plastic bag was met with contempt rather than a sense of humour. Insert culturally-stereotypical-but-politically-correct-yet-still-funny quip.

Right. So it might have taken a few moments of thought to realise that the Offending Object would have been an ex-Offending Object by the time it had reached the security checkpoint, regardless of whether I'd chosen to consume it. But given the proximity of the Offending Object's vendor to the queue, surely I can't be the first person to be turned away? I can just about tolerate the flawed reasoning behind bottled water, mainly because I do need to take flights every now and then. Madness. Still, I wouldn't in any way put the fault on the officer in question: they are only being paid to enforce certain rules and regulations (no matter how silly the particular situation.) Is asking security to exercise their own discretion beyond their judgmental capabilities? I'd hope not, but then I wouldn't know their employment criteria. Let's not get into why 5ml of butane per passenger is perfectly okay.

Taken to its logical conclusion, perhaps passengers ought to be required to empty their bladders before boarding. After all, urea is an essential precursor to the explosive-of-choice for most amateur terrorists.

Please. I urge anyone with the means and inclination to attempt to manufacture urea-based explosives behind an airport's security checkpoint, get caught on purpose, and have the above proposal written into law. Because I'd really love to read in the papers: ‘Airport Authorities Taking the Piss’.

PS: The choice of music is unintentional but apt. New CD arrived in the post, y'see.

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